Under new Islamic law, three Malaysian women have been caned by Malaysian authorities for having extra-marital sex, while one woman waits to hear whether she’ll be caned for drinking beer. When asked about how she felt about the fairness of the punishment, the woman responded, “I suppose it’s fair considering I use my vagina as a koozie.”
The PGA Tour announced today that Tiger Woods will make a statement Friday, 8 a.m. PST at tour headquarters regarding his future and what he’s been doing on his break from golf. That shouldn’t be a long conference. A quick hello, announce he’s returning to golf just in time to win the Masters and tell everyone he’s been getting drunk and playing “Guess My Number” at his country club in FL.
Sarah Palin and her family lashed out against creator of FOX’s ‘Family Guy,’ Seth MacFarlane, for airing an episode which they claim makes fun of Palin’s Down Syndrome son, Trig. Palin later said, “I haven’t been this mad since that one time I tried running for Vice President.” CUT TO:
Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino of MTV’s “Jersey Shore,” announced he’ll be launching a line of money scented cologne that’s due to hit stores soon. Also hitting stores soon, my line of…
Boob-Sweat Scented Hand Lotion…
and, Celebrity Scented Sex-Pillows.
Today longtime Tonight Show bandleader, Kevin Eubanks, announced plans to resign from the ‘Tonight Show with Jay Leno” in the near future. It’s rumored Eubanks is leaving because, Leno built a new dressing room and gave Eubanks his old one, but seven months later decided to take it back.
According to the ‘Clerks’ and ‘Jay & Silent Bob’ director’s Twitter posts, Southwest Airlines removed him from a flight Saturday night because of his weight, deeming him a safety risk. Southwest Airlines, a symbol of freedom, yeah… unless you’re brown… or fat… really, anyone that looks weird we’re gonna kick off. Southwest Airlines, thin white people only.
After complaining of chest pains President Clinton underwent a procedure in New York Hospital Thursday night and is reported to be in “good spirits.” And, so were the two nurses spotted leaving Clinton’s room on their walk of shame this morning.
Critics claim that Google’s new social network service called BUZZ, aimed at competing with Twitter and Facebook, invades users’ privacy. Said one angry user, “Buzzing violates my privacy and I don’t like it.” When asked why he likes Facebook better he said, “I like stalking my ex-girlfriends and potential hook-ups.”
For the first time in 145 years, Necco, the company that makes Sweethearts candies has revamped the original recipe. The candies have brighter colors, bolder flavors and in an effort to relate to consumers, more current expressions… such as:
A Manhattan Beach teenager accused of trying to buy elementary school boys’ urine was sentenced to 10 days of community service today. In an unrelated story, three people died yesterday when witnesses say a Manhattan Beach teen didn’t return to heal their jellyfish wounds.
Walter Fredrick Morrison, the man credited with inventing the Frisbee died today at age 90. His funeral was attended by the ones he touched most: Family, golden retrievers and 19 sophomores from Oberlin College.
Grammy winner, John Mayer, apologized via Twitter Wednesday to make amends for his latest controversial comments in the March edition of Playboy, where he referred to his penis as a White Supremacist. When asked if he was a racist he replied by saying, “No, man. I’ve had more black ass this week than a pew in a Mississippi church.”
Prosecutors in the U.S. attorney’s office are seeking a 27-month prison term for Michael David Barrett, who they said secretly filmed reporter Erin Andrews nude at three different hotels and posted them to the internet. All the defense asked for is a cell with lots and lots of kleenex.
The space shuttle Endeavour finally docked with the international space station today, completing a three-day orbital chase. They were supposed to dock a couple of days ago, but apparently when they pressed their gas pedal, it got stuck.
Today a spokesperson for American Airlines announced on May 1, they will begin charging $8 for their pillow and blanket set on all North American flights. In a related story, American Airlines announced new uniforms for their flight attendants: Velour purple suits, hats with a single feather, canes and white gloves to bitch slap passengers when they get outta line.
Hoping to brand its variety of nuts, the Wonderful Pistachios Company hired Levi Johnston, teen father, high school drop-out and infamous outcast of Sarah Palin’s family, to make their pistachio image ‘Hawt.’
In response to Johnston, David Sunflower Seeds decided to one up the pistachio company when they launched their own campaign, featuring K-Fed. It’s entitled: Hungry? Eat some seeds… a lot of seeds.
A Massachusetts man who stole 75 bottles of body lotion from a Bath and Body Works and stuffed them in his pants, couldn’t make a smooth getaway because his slacks were bursting at the seams. The man’s attorney released a statement saying, “My client’s is doing fine in jail and it wont be long till he gets off.”
Without leaving home, Sarah Palin will be able to reach much of her political base, courtesy of a soon-to-be-built television studio in her living room paid for by her newest media patron, Fox News. One feature of the room is a microphone that translates stupid.
According to a new federal investigation, breaking problems in Toyota’s Prius hybrid is just one in a series of possible glitches that may be linked to the vehicle’s complex electronics. Some of the other problems with the Prius hybrid, their douchebag owners.
A 9-year-old from Staten Island, N.Y., was playing in the school cafeteria when he was taken to the principal’s office and threatened with suspension because his LEGO policeman held a 2-inch plastic gun. In the principal’s defense, the kid was black.
South Africa’s polygamist president, Jacob Zuma, confirmed today that he fathered a daughter last year, his 20th child, with a woman who is not one of his three wives or fiancee. He then criticized those who said his actions undermined the country’s campaign against AIDS. I guess that makes sense, especially since South Africa’s slogan for their campaign against AIDS is, “AIDS SCHMAIDS! Magic’s still alive ain’t he?!”
A New Zealand teenager says she did not break any laws when she auctioned off her virginity online for $32,000 to raise tuition money for school, however, police warned, it might be risky for her to follow through on the deal. Especially since the winner of the auction is that creepy looking guy from Black Eyed Peas.
According to reports, Fox News Corporation boss Rupert Murdoch confirmed there had been talks to bring Conan O’Brien to the network. He said, ”If the programming people can show us we can do it and make a profit, we would do it in a flash.” He later said, “And, if it doesn’t we’ll just fire him and give his job to Jay Leno.
Steve Poizner accused opponent Meg Whitman of criminal politics. Claiming,”She used strong-arm tactics” in an email she sent him and that she’s trying to bully him out of California’s governor race. Poizner was later found upside down in a toilet stall crying for his mommy.
Today one of the nation’s top military officers said he supported allowing gays to openly serve in the military, which is big news because the Pentagon announced steps to prepare for ending its 17-year-old policy on homosexuality. The excitement in the gay community later halted, when the officer continued saying, “Maybe we can ship them all to island somewhere.”
Los Angeles County officials rebuffed demands from an AIDS activist group that the county’s public health officials take immediate action to require performers in porn films to wear condoms. Said one official, “If it doesn’t feel good for them, how’s it going to feel us?”
After twelve seasons, Kurt Warner announced his retirement from the NFL. You know who’s not retiring, Kurt Warner?… Jesus.
An aide for former Presidential candidate John Edwards claims that Edwards purposely left a sex tape of him and his videographer, Rielle Hunter, lying around the office. A sex tape? Who do you think you are Bill Clinton?
